The notion of "friendship" differs in different cultures. So viewing it through an alternative worldview and system of values may help to dissuade some discomfort and misunderstanding. [File photo]

As an academic, I find it surprising the lack of attention to the notion of "friendship" in the academy. Other than our families, it is our friends who define our social lives. They can be found in our hometowns, at work, at the cafés or shops that we frequent, and even online. But when it comes to the social context, and differences in understanding of the notion of "friendship," what it means to be a friend, and how to build and maintain friendly relations, we seem to lack the foundation for theoretical analysis.

What's more, we tend to think that "friendship" is a universal concept or that "friends" exist similarly in all cultures. This is a dangerous mistake, and can impede the development of interpersonal relations when one travels abroad. 

As an American, I tended to subscribe to the notion of the "pure friendship" – an emotional connection between two people, founded on a theoretical "no strings attached" relational basis. In this "pure friendship," relations should be affective without obligation, other than the obligation to reciprocate warmth, to extend a helping hand when in need, and most of all to share in one another's lives. Friendship is a gift, and a gift that we give free of obligation or reciprocation. It took too long for me to recognize that this romantic review of friendship is a myth, shrouded in ritualized forgetting or misrepresentation. 

According to the often underappreciated French social theorist Marcell Mauss, in the Euro-American society gifts are seen as something that should be given freely, and not as obligations and services that are expected to be reciprocated. Gifts are given from the heart. This, of course, does not hold up under scrutiny. Birthday gifts, holiday gifts, wedding gifts, ANY gifts given come with a tacit recognition that they will – one day, after sufficient duration has passed – be reciprocated through a gift of equal or greater value. However, the masking of giving as pure and without social burden is necessarily a part of Euro-American friendly behavior and social reproduction.

But in China this is often not the case. Overt giving and obligatory reciprocation is a significant and necessary ritualized aspect of trust-building. Moreover, the cycle of reciprocal gift giving helps to build and solidify long term affective relations. In China, particularly in rural and urbanizing China, these obligations aren't masked – rather they can often be overtly put on display and publicly discussed. This can lead to uncomfortable situations for the Euro-American unfamiliar with such behaviors.

On more than one occasion I've heard fellow expats discussing how people tried to "buy" their friendship, "bribe" them for favors etc., and I myself have often felt pressured to reciprocate "acts of friendship" materially. However, it is important to note that while some may indeed endeavor to take advantage of their "wealthy foreigner friend," in most other cases these are simply part and parcel of a complex Chinese social network of social production and reproduction – a network in which you, the foreigner, have been invited to participate. 

It is also important to note that gifts are not always of monetary value. While a coffee/tea will likely be expected to be reciprocated with a coffee or tea, and likewise a meal with a meal, affective exchanges are not always material. That is to say the nonmaterial (such as words) often materialize as means of affective exchange (such as IMs).

It is not uncommon to hear foreigners talking about their "needy Chinese friends," who are constantly calling, texting, instant messaging etc. However, these forms of "discursive gift exchange" are a normal part of contemporary Chinese social life. Daily rituals of "How's it going?", "Have you eaten?", "What are you doing?" are by no means attempts to pressure one another into conversations, and are not necessarily invitations for long conversations.

While I myself can find these unending streams of seemingly disinterested conversation irritating, I nevertheless suggest that they can be more productively understood as "discursive gift exchanges," not so much reminding one of the other's existence or that the other feels ignored, but rather a perpetuation of a social relationship through the reciprocal exchange of phrases and otherwise meaningless micro-conversations. 

More importantly though, to neglect one's responsibility to reciprocate can be perceived as a breach of etiquette, taboo, or just plain rude. Of course, expats are given a great deal of latitude in breaches of a complex system of Chinese etiquette. However, understanding that in some cases Chinese friendships are viewed through an alternative worldview and system of values can dissuade some discomfort and misunderstanding, and help the newcomer overcome degrees of awkwardness. When you are in need of help and someone offers to do you a favor, take it – this could be the first step in a beautiful relationship. 

Michael D. R. Long is PhD candidate at the University of Cambridge Department of Social Anthropology with seven years of experience in China.

Opinion articles reflect the views of their authors, not necessarily those of China.org.cn.

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