by Francisco Little

At dinner the other night in a small, no-frills Sichuan restaurant, I was most impressed by the young waitress who greeted me in English. Her accent was almost tone perfect, as if she had recited each phrase repeatedly and committed it to memory.

It was only when I started up a conversation with her that I realized she had learnt the phrases, but knew nothing else. So our conversation went like this:

"Is the food delicious, sir?"

"Yes it is delicious, thank you. Your English is very good. How long have you been studying English?"

"Would you like more tea, sir?"

"Er, yes, I would, thank you. What is your name?"

"You are welcome to come again, sir."

And so we went on. When she had used up all her memorized phrases out of context for the second time, I resorted to my limited Chinese, but our young lady was insistent. She wanted to use her English. Needless to say we got nowhere in a hurry. The meal was good though.

There is no doubt that China is serious about learning English. It has been reported recently in the media that about 5 million Beijing residents should be able to speak English before the 2008 Olympic Games -- according to a plan to promote the language. The Beijing plan has come up with quotas for different skill levels of a cross section of Beijingers. Public servants under 40 are required to speak a minimum of 300 English sentences before 2008, according to a media report. Bus drivers and stewards need to know 100 English sentences, by that date, while shop assistants under 40 need to pass a diploma test for retail English. Policemen, taxi drivers, hotel employees and restaurant staff are also part of the specified group in the plan.

Apart from English, police officers will also be taught Japanese, Russian and Arabic, to enable them to handle traffic control, safety checks, first aid and other situations.

Presently, it is said that just over 3 million Beijingers can carry on a simple English conversation.

Now if my waitress was one of these 3 million, I am wondering if this constitutes a simple English conversation.

The 5-million target is approximately 35 percent of the city's present permanent population. Monitoring the levels of proficiency should be interesting. Perhaps there will be a division of "English Police" who will appear unannounced and demand a recitation of 10 sentences, before making notes in a ledger and disappearing into the night. If nothing else one has to admire the grand level of commitment by the Beijing Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games.

If progress in the spoken word is being made, the written word is way out on a limb.

Every foreigner who has traveled in China will have a story to tell about an English-language sign that has been spelt incorrectly. These signs around Beijing not only confuse tourists but are also a continuous source of amusement. They can be found on billboards, menus, in public places and even on pirate DVD covers.

The Beijing Tourism Bureau recently held a too short, six-month campaign to improve Standard English usage at 60 famous scenic spots visited by foreigners, such as the Palace Museum and the Great Wall. People coming across a confusing sign were asked to phone a hotline and report their find to the bureau for correction.

Problems range from obscure abbreviations, word-for-word translation of Chinese characters into English, improper omissions and misspellings.

Some of my favorite Chinglish bloopers signs are:

"Little grass is smiling slightly, please walk on pavement" -- in a Beijing park;

"Please keep your legs" -- next to the escalator;

"Reduce signs of premature senility" -- on a bottle of face cream;

"Don't forget to carry your thing" -- in the back of a taxi;

"To take notice of safe. The slippery are very crafty" -- sloped entrance to mall opposite Beijing Railway Station;

"No fight and scrap, no rabble. No feudal fetish or sexy service permitted in the park" -- Ming Tombs;

"Those who are drunk, sick or below 1.1 meters are forbidden to take part in suck game!" -- at entrance to a Beijing park; and

"Unnecessary touching" -- above automatic taps at Beijing Airport.

While we laugh at these and marvel at how they have been up for so long, as expats, part of what we can do is to try to help. Being in a foreign country undergoing change means whether we like it or not we become part of that change. Having a conversation with a waitress practicing her English, and pointing out what reply will come from a statement is a start. But if the city is serious about rectifying the Chinglish signs that adorn the capital, they need to advertise amongst expats where, how and when this can be done. Not just for six months, but on a permanent basis. Many feel the signs make Beijing one big amusement park and are part of the city's character, but if its image Beijing is after the Chinglish signs have got to go. You can't have it both ways.

(Beijing Review July 21, 2004)